I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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