Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Vodka?
Forever.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
