I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
