I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize