and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
