i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
