My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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