The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
