he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
