My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
