I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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