just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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