Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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