I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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