she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
