Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
