tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
