When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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