Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
