there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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