forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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