I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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