hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
