I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We need a shit load of segways right now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
