Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
