I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
