I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
