I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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