I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
