i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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