Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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