Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
