So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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