I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
