go do what you do best...puke behind churches
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
