so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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