I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
