Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
