I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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