i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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