He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
