I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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