I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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