She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
