I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
