I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
