just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
