I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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