i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
