Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
