I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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