my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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