so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
