I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
