have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
