New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
