I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We were destined to go to rehab together
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I would ride that face into the sunset
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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