Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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