i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
