just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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