your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
