He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
