I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize